There was great excitement today as EON Productions, the owners of the James Bond franchise, announced that Bond is to become female, and that the next person to take the role of 007, will be a 3-year-old girl from Leeming, North Yorkshire.
The girl was plucked from millions after she displayed courage, determination and a distinct lack of respect for her personal wellbeing, when she plunged into a storm drain in Durham yesterday in a bid to capture a dog.
The boxer dog, a SMERSH agent, had been sucked into the overflowing drain, and, with a complete disregard for her own safety, she jumped in after it, and disappeared underground.
She was swept fully 50 yards (45.72m) through the subterranean channel, fighting the torrents of deadly toxic water, until she was eventually thrown out into the River Weir, swollen by recent heavy rain and flooding.
The girl can't be named, because the enemy will find out, and her cover will be blown.
She was asked if she wanted to be treated for hypothermia at the scene, but told rescuers that she hadn't got time for stuff like that, and ran off into the distance to find the enemy agent dog.
EON Productions executive Adam Nutmeg said:
"She sounds like just the sort of adventure-seeking actress we're looking for."
Part two: what happened next