Written by Jon Kinsey
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Topics: coma, Jimmy Saville

Monday, 8 September 2008

A 24 year old woman has today revealed that a sex session with aging TV star Jimmy Savile was so intense that it caused her to pass out. She did not regain consciousness for three weeks.

Speaking from her hospital bed, Wendy Marks of Routlidge, West Yorkshire, explained how she and Savile, 81, met at a charity fun run in John O'Groats. She was in some degree of distress after an altercation with Ian Botham led to her John Selwyn Gummer costume becoming torn. The ancient Lothario was quick to comfort her.

After taking her back to his caravan, under the pretense of showing her his fourteenth Century pastoral wood carvings, Savile's regime of seduction began.

"He took a chocolate digestive from the fridge and became excited at the thought of removing the Clingfilm", Miss Marks recalled.

"He started motioning suggestively with his hands and then asked to see my papoose".

Before she knew it, she was insensate.

She is not the first to fall under Savile's spell. Andy Kershaw once described the Manchester native as "the most virile man in music" after he was thrown off Top of the Tops in 1984. While the BBC Press Release spoke of modernizing the show, Kershaw thinks that he knows the real reason why Jimmy's tenure came to an end.

"It was very simple really. We were spending more on security for the show than we were on the acts. We had a bouncer on each door, just to keep out all of the boyfriends and husbands. And it put a lot of people off. Joe Strummer, for instance. He was so jealous of Jimmy's antics that he boycotted the show altogether. I think though, that the last straw came when he was caught in the rehearshal room in flagrante with two of Banarama and a yard of hosepipe".

Another former colleague, who asked not to be identified, described the mental trauma of watching Savile, dressed in one of his many "easy egress" tracksuits, smearing blancmange on a groupie. Our source later invented the character of "Mr Blobby" as an attempt to deal with the repressed memory of that evening.

Miss Marks is now concentrating on getting her life back on track, though she admits that it is unlikely that she will ever walk again.

Mr Savile was invited to contribute to this article, but instead barricaded himself backstage at the set of Bullseye, where it is rumoured that he is preparing the star prize for the show's latest re-launch.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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