Written by dalepetrie
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Wednesday, 26 May 2004

May is sweeps month for the major U.S. networks, that is, the month when advertising rates are set, which prompts all the major television networks to pull out all the stops. So far this month we've seen the hiring of the Apprentice, the end of TV stalwarts Friends and Frasier, the return of Super Millionaire, NBC's disaster epic 10.5, and tonight's crowing of the new American Idol, but nothing can quite compare to ABC's latest attempt to grab ratings in the waning days of the month.

It was announced today that rock legend Ozzy Osbourne will be appearing on a special May 31st airing of the ABC News magazine Prime Time Live, where he will interview fellow rock legend Keith Richards. The network is keeping footage of this historic event under tight wraps, but our intrepid ABC inside reporter Chuck U. Farley has managed to obtain parts of the transcript of this incredible interview. Though ABC has threatened to file a lawsuit against the Spoof if we reveal too much of the interview, we feel that the following few lines of dialogue are both indicative of the overall tone of the interview, while not revealing too much.

Ozzy: ‘So, wadda manado da man, I mean it's bloody monada loha."

Keith: ‘Wudubadahaha cough, grumble dssigndrs, you know bmmmszdr lubdsr. (laughs).

Ozzy: ‘I knowhutchumean mon, it's like wezza fuzza bloody hell. SHAAAARONNN!'

Keith: ‘Fzzrkzzr buddubazzr, Imeanit'slike wubzzred, can't even remember sesszdes (passes out for five minutes).

Ozzy then tries in vain to open a bottle of smelling salts to revive Richards, fumbles with the bottle for four of the five minutes and calls out, ‘SHAAARONNNN! JAAAAACK! It's like you need a bloody buduzzar degree to get the mavuzanor bottle open, man.'

That's as much as we can show you, but this rare, candid, intimate interview is chock full of surprising moments and sharp dialogue just like this. Tune into ABC this Saturday at 8 Eastern/7 Central to see this very special episode of Prime Time Live.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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