Written by Monkey Woods
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Thursday, 28 August 2008

image for EastEnders Slags To Star In New Series Of Strictly Come Dancing
Slater/Moon (left) and Taylforth/Beale/Mitchell

EastEnders stars Kathy Beale/Mitchell and ex-Queen Vic barmaid Kath Slater/Moon are to 'trip the light fantastic' in the new BBC1 series of Strictly Come Dancing, and the bitter rivals have vowed to engage in a 'dance to the death'.

The pair, neither of whom can dance, both left the soap to pursue their acting careers. Both failed, and now, are anxious to exploit this lucrative opportunity to entice gullible viewers into watching washed-up 'stars' as they amble, pedestrian-like, across a dancefloor on telly.

Beale/Mitchell, played by actress Gillian Taylforth, left the show in 2000 to go and live in South Africa. She may well end up wishing she'd stayed there after this competition.

Slater/Moon, played by Jessie Wallace, thankfully ran away to the US with Alfie on Christmas Day in 2005. They deserved each other.

Now though, it's rumoured that the two 'fierce rivals who never met', are to figure in a 'dance to the death' situation that will be manipulated by the BBC by placing the two in the Grand Final, regardless of how the public votes via telephone.

Taylforth/Beale/Mitchell has said she is "very confident", having developed two new dances, the M25 Slip Road, and the invigorating and climactic Pancreatic Shuffle.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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