Written by IN SEINE
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Friday, 22 August 2008

image for Carol Vorderman Sacked for Cheating?
Carol does it by hand

Consonant, Y... Vowel, O... Consonant, Y... Vowel, O... Consonant, Y... Vowel, O...Consonant, Y... Vowel, O... Consonant, Y. That's...YOYOYOYOY. A good question; why oh why did Carol Vorderman decide to leave channel 4's long-running quiz show, countdown?

Carol has been the thinking man's 'totty' for far too long - 26 years in fact! Many pensioners are devastated and some are even suicidal. Channel 4 have a special phone line for counselling help for those in distress.

One such person is 91 year-old Alfred Higgins of Hartlepool, who told In Seine News;

"I have watched Countdown every day since I retired in 1982 from a lifetime in accountancy but it's a conundrum as to why she's left. Yer know some things don't just add up! Carol has been reported as saying that she has been offered a 90% pay-cut and that she is in fact indispensable. I think the disposable one is that loony croon Des O'Connor - he should stick to trying to sing. Still at my age yer can't grumble because at least she'll be advertising for Saga and equity loans and perhaps even Stannah stairlifts."

However it has been disclosed that the real reason that Carol left was because she had in fact been cheating. On one show she tripped and fell over her whiteboard; knocking it over to reveal a man with a computer. Not only that, she had a calculator hidden in her bra and a slide rule in her knickers.

The show's producer, Victor Vordermann (no relation) said;

"It was about she went because we were coming to the stage where every single word in the Oxford dictionary had been used up and almost every 'B' class celebrity had appeared on the show (except for Amy Winehouse who is never healthy enough to last an entire episode and Pete Doherty who is always in prison!). We started off producing three shows a day, but in the end it took all day for carol to work out the sums - it was embarrassing!"

Carol Vorderman currently holds the world record for wearing the entire wardrobe of Channel 4's ladies costumes twice!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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