Yes, almost two full days before the results show, this reporter has learned who will win American Idol.
George Bush announced during his speech this evening that "I sure do hope that Diana Degarmo wins because she reminds me of my dear, sweet Jenna before Jenna became a booze hound. Jus' like her dear ole pappy usta be."
When the news services heard the president's endorsement, they announced it worldwide. Fantasia Barrino was notified that she didn't need to show up for the competition tomorrow night because, with Bush endorsing Diana, ain't no way Diana was going to win.
Poor Diana jumped into the pool of the mansion she and Fantasia are staying in, swam three laps and announced her withdrawal from the competition.
She announced in a press conference following the president's speech, which more people watched.
"I can't continue in this competition. The president wants me to win. Well, I can't live in a democracy that won't give me a chance now that the president has endorsed me. The only thing that would have been worse would've been if Charlton Heston and the NRA were going bring signs saying, NRA Supports Diana or ARMS for DegARMo, or something stupid like that..
Besides, I'm recording a duet with William Hung next week and going on tour with Tamyra Gray, Justin Guarini and Clay Aiken when hell freezes over. Considering American Idol is now in the toilet, I am sure that's soon."
Simon Cowell had this to say. "Are you all bloody crazy? I mean. Really. This competition has been reduced to idiocy. I used to have credibility. I helped create the Spice Girls. Leave it to you Americans to turn something innocent into rubbish."
Elton John said that American Idol was becoming too sexist anyway and cited his displeasure that Ricky Henderson wasn't in the final two.
"I know he wasn't even in the running this year, but I loved it when he said, Hercules, Hercules. Hey, did I do the music for the Disney movie by the same name?"
Speaking of Disney, Jasmine Trias had nothing to say. She was busy recording her album at Don Ho's secret studios deep in the volcano of Krakatoa. Her first single is due out any day now and is tentatively titled, "I'm not your sacrificial virgin."
Chris Tucker was off shooting a movie somewhere, but he wanted to send his congratulations to Fantasia.
Ryan Seacrest was too busy getting his hair ready for tomorrow night to answer this reporter's repeated text messages.