May 23, 2004 (Orlando, Florida) -
Donald Duck, best friend of renowned actor/dancer Mickey Mouse, was admitted into a rehabilitation clinic yesterday after Goofy walked into his bathroom and caught the duck shooting up heroin. Also discovered were lines of cocaine on the sink, rolling papers on the floor and a bag of marijuana in the medicine cabinet.
We asked Goofy if he knew of Donald's habit before catching him.
"I had a feeling this was going on but felt kind of weird approaching him about it. I wasn't 100% sure he was using, so I guess I was just holding on to that little ray of hope that my suspicions would be proven wrong. I was right and now I feel like such a scumbag for not talking with him about this sooner. I mean, garsh, everyone's gonna smoke a little dope, especially in this business, but I figured heroin went out of style since Dumbo overdosed ten years ago. A-hyuk!"
Goofy called the police on Donald, who was handcuffed to the toilet seat, telling the duck that he was going to get help whether he liked it or not. When the police arrived to escort Donald outside, he was quoted as saying to Goofy, "Why you dog-gone stubborn subb-ah-bah... QUAAAAACKK!!!" Donald then tried to attack Goofy, but was restrained by the police.
Incidentally, this isn't the first time Donald is seeking help. Just two years ago, he was ordered to anger management classes, but was kicked out just two days after being admitted when the duck threw a tape dispenser at Grouchy Smurf's head.