New Yawk, NY-- Rosie O'Donnell will make a less-than-triumphant return to network television this fall. Rosie has been hired as a cleaning woman by ABC Studios in New Yawk City. She will be cleaning floors, windows and bathroom stalls. The bullying butterball will even clean the toilets used by her former co-hosts on 'The View'.
The cleaning job is the first paying work for Rosie in almost a year. She had many millions in savings but used all the money on food and batteries for her dildo. She will make the minimum wage on her new gig. The tubby tyrant will be fired if she is late or misses even one day of work.
Her former co-hosts at 'The View' laughed at Rosie's fall from power. Elisabeth Hasselbeck said she will piss on the bathroom floor just to watch Rosie mop up the mess. Barbara Walters said she will never flush the toilet again because "it's now Rosie's job." Joy Behar said she might tip Rosie a dollar if Rosie "is respectful and mindful of her place."
Rosie's toughest task may be cleaning her old dressing room. The room has been deserted since Rosie fled 'The View' last year after her public nervous breakdown. The filthy room is infested with millions of cockroaches and water bugs. The floor is covered with Snickers candy wrappers and used tampons. The walls are smeared with feces, and childish scribblings from Rosie's psychotic mind. The worst part is the shower drain. It is filled with Rosie's steely pubic hair. Unknown bacteria and vermin have been brewing in the drain for months.
If Rosie completes her trial period she may be allowed other duties. She may be allowed to fetch Barbara Walters a cup of coffee or she may be allowed to shine Elizabeth's shoes.
Rosie will be required to remain silent at all times or be fired immediately. She starts September 1.