Written by Rodd Justice
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Topics: Geek, Chat rooms

Friday, 9 November 2001

image for First Ever Chatroom Celebrity
A fellow geek

This week, Dolph Lundgren became the world's first ever chatroom celebrity, under the assumed name of 16_inch_bicep_34m. Dolph wowed onlookers with his nifty use of verbs and coloured writing. His wry use of the "Voice Chat" feature also amazed.

Dolph's trademark is to use the full range of available smiley faces. He's even invented his own, ( ), which is a diagram of his bulging bicep. Some of his biggest chat-chievements include:

  • enjoying light chit-chat with George W Bush about the secret short-cuts in "Mario Kart"
  • establishing an official definition of the difference between the abbreviations for "your" and "you're" (ur and u'r, respectively)
  • [
  • reporting a record of 469 people to the chatroom moderator for being too sweary

These genuine achievements eclipse those of lesser mortals, such as Chippy Bugle's record of 54 minutes on a chatroom without getting bored.

On a personal note, this new-found fame has been a God-send to Lundgren, who last year drew a line under attempts to keep up his 80s action hero image. Steely Wan, 53, is head of the Dolphoids, a fan club: "Let's face it, he was never competitive in the action marketplace, and was often done over by the works of Segal, Stallone, Russell, Van Damme, and of course Annie. Whoops, I mean Arnie."

"I think Dolph's settling in well to his nerdy computer guy image. It's like he's excited both his fans and the wider public with his desire to impress on the web. He's great. Or, as Dolph would say, 'he = gr8 !!!!!!!!!!! :-D ( ) ". The verbs involved in that last quote are truly mind-boggling, and the sound of them coming out of a human mouth adds to the impressiveness of Dolph's achievements on the chatter.

Dolph has brought hence the Internet to the mainstream. Finally, now that it has popular appeal, it can be as pointless and inane as everything else. If the entertainment media is a city, then celebrities are their tall, architecturally inadequate skyscrapers. Rodd reckons the success of Dolph Lundgren on the net has made him into a real Canary Wharf.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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