In a move that has America reeling, potential Democratic presidential nominee John "Big-Head and Yes I am part Jewish and I'm married to a wealthy woman" Kerry has decided to be a guest judge on American Idol for the Tuesday finale.
A female representative for Kerry said, "What? He can't be serious. First, he wants to delay accepting the nomination so he can spend all his campaign money. Now this! Are you kidding? American Idol. I thought he was a more serious candidate than this. I'm voting for Nader. That's it. I quit!"
Another rep said, "Cool. Maybe now I can get that date with Ryan Seacrest I always wanted. Maybe we can even get married someday. It's legal now in Massachusetts, Kerry's home state."
When said rep was told Seacrest is not gay, he replied, "Yeah, right, and I really believe that Rumsfeld had no knowledge of Iraqi prisoner abuses either."
Kerry seemed to be excited about being a guest judge. Rumor has it that he's hired a new hairdresser for the event and will be using the American Idol stylists to dress him. He told a friend, "I really wish that John Stevens was still on the show. Now, he was an Idol I could relate to. Of course, do you think I'll get the African American vote if I back Fantasia? Is Diana hispanic? If so, should I go that way? I am so confused. I want my wife. She'll tell me what to do. Teresa." Then, he ran out of the room.
His rep assured me that he'd be okay soon. "He's just not used to being part of anything as big as American Idol. I mean let's face it, Americans care more about what happens on American Idol than just about anything else. I assure you, he'll be ready for the real Super Tuesday."
Will you be ready to vote, America?