Written by Kilroy
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Topics: Movies, Eddie Murphy

Friday, 11 July 2008

image for Van Helsing Targets Eddie Murphy
Six out of 7 Sith in the City Shun Cinema

Van Helsing has come out of retirement to end Eddie Murphy's reign of terror at the box office. It was revealed this week that Eddie Murphy, humanely "put down" shortly after the release of "Norbit" last year, has been mysteriously reanimated and is continuing to make movies.

In declining comedic health since his near-fatal accident with "Pluto Nash", Murphy freakishly returns like a zombie in search of brains in "Meet Dave". Paying subtle homage to "Weekend at Bernie's", Murphy shuns the sophomoric, manual corpse manipulation for more sophisticated "tiny human technology" using Dave as a vehicle to elicit more laughs than a celebrity picking up a transvestite.

Joining Mike Myers' still-born brain-child, "The Love Guru" and Adam Sandler's messed up "Don't Mess with the Zohan", Murphy's latest offering proves that there's still plenty of room at the bottom for former SNL cast members. "There's obviously an expiration date on post-SNL success", said David "The Shill" Spade, whose cinema career only marginally exceeds Murphy's latest marriage. However, Martin "Will-Work- For-Food" Short, currently working on an Ed Grimly script, still believes "you can do it" if you purge yourself of absolutely all shame. Ironically, as Van Helsing's crossbow bolt to Short's chest suggests, some dark secrets are best left unknown.

Even dead, Murphy still shuns singular roles and deftly plays a human sized ship as well as its captain. Bug-eyed and jerky, Murphy digs deep and brings his undead experiences to the screen for mobs of zombie fans, still looking for brains but failing to find them here. Wandering aimlessly from theater to theater, most eventually gorged themselves at "Iron Man". But genetically prone to over-eating and sluggish digestive systems, the multitudes of undead soon required a laxative and were observed later at "Sex in the City."

Part of the promotional gimmick for "Meet Dave" included a giant head resembling Murphy parked in Times Square. But according to director Brian Robbins, "That's the REAL SIZE of Murphy's head...maybe a little smaller, really." Some have suggested they bury the head at a cross-roads in hope of stopping Murphy's self-destructive, living-dead movie making career. "Maybe he can finally rest in peace," said Chris Rock, direct recipient of Murphy's early 80's stand-up comedy style. "If I ever become a cinema zombie like that, somebody just shoot me," said the star of "I Think I Love My Wife". Rock's funeral will be Thursday.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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