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Thursday, 3 July 2008

image for A WALL-E and a Cock: No Subtlety at the Box Office
This is NOT the sort of cock that will be on display in Will Smith's new film.

(La La Land, CA) - Trying to prove he's still got the biggest firecracker in Hollywood, Will Smith's summer tent pole, hanCock, will throw down with Pixar's giant WALL-E in American theaters over the 4th of July. In what may be the strangest box office showdown in recent memory, the two similarly titled films about male genitalia, and its attendant insecurity issues, will go head-to-head (so to speak) this holiday weekend.

On the other side of the gender aisle, two films about female sexual empowerment, Wanted and Kitt Kittredge: An American Girl, also will square off, hoping for the attention of teenage girls and the hormone addled boys that follow them everywhere. Along with a helping of delayed adolescent adult males.

That four films with so much sexual content and/or violence are being marketed primarily to children and teens on the same weekend marks a new milestone for Hollywood. Sexuality, whether blatant, metaphorical or repressed, hetero, homo or polymorphous, is now officially part of the picture when it comes to enticing those 13 and younger into theaters.

"It's really always been this way," said hanCock star Will Smith. "When I was a kid, I pulled myself through puberty by sneaking into many a wank film. But truthfully, we are more of a high-octane action film. We are just giving you the hope of seeing Charlize Theron's hooters or my johnson, rather than the actual reality of it."

"So hanCock is probably mis-titled in that respect," admitted Smith. "But you have to use what you got. And what I got is a hot Charlize Theron and a big old handful of cock."

"Thus: hanCock! Get it?"

Smith then went on to cite the Porky's and Police Academy movies as being high on the list of films he had originally hoped hanCock would be able to emulate, while admitting that his flick's lack of truly graphic sexual content meant that he would be at a disadvantage once the word got out.

"Dude, once people find out that the sex is only in our title . . . "

Still, it's likely that just the title's tease of a priapic Will Smith sporting a super powered member will be enough to insure that hanCock spurts it's way to #1 with upwards of $100 million this weekend.

Smith admitted, however, that he would rather be hanging out with the young ladies who will be flocking to Kitt Kittredge: An American Girl.

"It reminds me of when I was 13 and Foxes, starring Jodie Foster and Tatum O'Neal, was released," said the erstwhile Fresh Prince. "I would grab a raincoat, get a front row seat for the first showing, then watch that movie all day long."

"I'd only take a break for fluid replenishment."

When told of his remarks, Kitt Kittredge star Abigail Breslin replied without hesitation.

"Ewww. Gross. At least now I know not to accept that offer for hanCock 2: Bleeding the Snake that my agent keeps bugging me about."

Breslin was sanguine about the whole thing however.

"I'm learning you just have to stick up for yourself when something seems pervy in this business. That's why I won't make a movie with Greg Kinnear again."

Despite Bresiln's rejection, and his own desire for a large hanCock opening over the 4th, Will Smith says he's planning on relieving some teenage memories himself this weekend.

"You can bet I'll be taking the wife and kids to Kitt Kittredge," said Smith, before turning to his wife, actress Jada Pinkett Smith, and asking, "Honey, have you seen my raincoat?"

A few more choice body parts, a couple of which are actually real, will also have something to say about how all of this actually goes down at the box office this weekend.

Pixar's hoping to bang Smith's hanCock upside the head with it's gigantic WALL-E, and its chances of staying on top of hanCock got off to an excellent start when it outdrew the drunken superhero flick by $2 million on Wednesday, which was hanCock's first official day in theaters and WALL-E's sixth.

Thanks to excellent word of mouth and orgasmic reviews, it's possible that WALL-E could actually avoid any shrinkage at all in its box office numbers during this, its second, weekend.

Additionally, Angelina Jolie's breasts are expected to bounce back strongly in their second weekend front lining Wanted, which exceeded all expectations by measuring up for a DD-like $51 million last weekend, and has shown no signs of going flat during the course of this week, milking up an extra $5 million per day.

Also this weekend, as has been the custom since it opened, Mike Myer's The Love Guru will play strongly with his immediate family, making just enough money to register on a subatomic level, allowing us to continue to make fun of it's anemic performance in Monday's box office recap.

Make Schmoker's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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