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Thursday, 26 June 2008

image for Wanted: A Robot With a Big WALL-E at the Box Office
Angelina wants to crush WALL-E at the box office, but also says she wouldn't mind keeping him in her nightstand drawer.

(La La Land, CA) - Normally sex and animation don't mix. But with the success of the Jack Black bestiality and violence cartoon Kung Fu Panda paving the way, Pixar heads back into theaters this week with WALL-E, the story of a lonely robot with a large appendage looking for love. Competition is expected to come from Angelina Jolie's breasts in the comic book adaptation Wanted.

Unlike most cartoons these days, WALL-E is devoid of talking animals and big name celebrity voice-overs. The mostly wordless sci-fi flick instead stars the aforementioned sex starved robot and a cock-a-roach. Director and Pixar co-founder Andrew Stanton, however, shrugs off any concerns that WALL-E is a tough sell.

"By the end of the weekend, I think parents and children alike will have discovered that WALL-E is the Dirk Digler of animated robots," said Stanton. "So obviously this film has something for both children and their parents."

The story of the last working sex toy on a now deserted planet Earth, WALL-E has virtually no dialogue for the first 30 minutes, save for the beeps and boops of the robot and the orgasmic shrieks and moans emitted by the ancient videotape copy of Deep Throat that WALL-E watches each night after returning home from a long day of looking for love in all the wrong places.

Gunning for WALL-E by appealing to teenage boys and their hormones (and their dad's hormones), Angelina Jolie and "her girls" star in the action adventure flick Wanted, adapted from the popular graphic novel of the same name. Also starring James McAvoy, Wanted seeks to stake out the same box office territory occupied by last year's sex and violence cartoon starring Jolie, Beowulf.

"We think Angelina's breasts showed they could carry a movie quite well last year with Beowulf," said Wanted producer Seymour Cleavage.

But he's counting on more than Jolie's mammary glands being a draw.

"Between her sweater puppies, her incredibly full lips, and the chance that this may finally be the film where she does a gratuitous beaver shot, there is a lot more going on in this movie than some people give it credit for."

"We expect tickets to sell faster than an Ethiopian child at a celebrity baby auction."

Expected to come in third place in its second weekend is the Steve Carell action/comedy/soporific Get Smart. Having already wrung $39 million out of those people who remembered the television series and thought the movie may actually be funny, Get Smart is expected to drop 50% or more this weekend.

"All I know is I'm glad this did better than Evan Almighty, and that I didn't have to dodge elephant dung in this one, except during my scenes with Dwayne Johnson," said Carell during an interview over his shoe phone.

Holdovers The Incredible Hulk and Kung Fu Panda will likely fight it out for fourth and fifth place, with the horny panda expected to have an edge, thanks to repeat business from young children and the pedophiles who follow them into the theaters.

Bringing up the rear, literally, figuratively and metaphorically, will likely be Mike Myers' The Love Guru---for the six people who care, anyway.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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