(La La Land, CA) - Proving that it takes more than bad wigs and 400 dick jokes to lure an audience, Mike Myers return to the big screen with The Love Guru barely drew enough people to fill a medium sized Ashram. Steve Carell's Get Smart, on the other hand, had them buying tickets by the bushel full and loving it.
Get Smart, Carell's bid to turn himself into a Jason Bourne type action star, albiet one who is a lot dumber (and taller) than the Matt Damon super spy, took the top spot this weekend and raked in nearly $40 million in North America alone.
The high turnout for the remake of the old Mel Brooks/Don Adams television show was believed to be aided by two different subsets of Anne Hathaway fans: gay men who thought Get Smart was a sequel to Brokeback Mountain about homosexuality in the espionage business, and horny teen boys who were hoping she was going to show her hooters. While both groups left the theaters disappointed in the movie, in many cases both groups left the theaters with each other, leading to speculation that the film could see some serious repeat business.
Coming in basically tied for second place with approximately $22 million were Kung Fu Panda and The Incredible Hulk, showing that your movie doesn't really have to be any good to make a lot of money as long as you get to go up against something which Mike Myers slapped a title upon after standing up and finding it in the bowl.
As for the aforementioned Myers bowel movement, The Love Guru, it crashed and burned, emitting a very foul odor in the #4 slot. Pulling in only $14 million, this disaster means that Myers will likely be exhuming Austin Powers in the very near future. Don't be surprised if he slaps something together for the randy spy with the bad teeth in time for next weekend even.
When reached at his home in an attic apartment above Deepak Chopra's garage, Myers ranted obscenities into the phone, cast aspersions on the size of this reporter's johnson, then could be heard cracking open a very large bottle of Xanax before settling down enough to issue a reaction.
"Fuck America," said Myers. "I don't need them. I'll make a movie about whatever I frickin' please."
When asked if his next movie would be It's a Gas, the story of a pastry chef with a hair lip who becomes famous for cooking over flame created by lighting his own flatulence, Myers reacted angrily.
"How about I make my next one about a retarded actor who makes stupid movies about a one joke premise that gets repeated over and over and over and over and over again? How'd you like that, A-M-E-R-A . . . oh, bollocks, how do you spell America?"
Contacted for a comment, real life guru Deepak Chopra, upon whom much of Myers' character was based, said, "All I know is that I wish I could get that drunken Canadian bastard out of my attic. But he's got incriminating photos of me and some girls from Gloucester, Massachusetts, so I'm pretty much screwed on that deal."
Coming in fifth and bringing up the rear was M. Night Shyamalana-Ding-Dong's "thriller" The Happening, which dropped a stunning 70% from last weekend. Exit polls show that most audience members for the film this weekend were there because they lost a bet.