Doctors have confirmed that Big Brother's Alex De Gale is officially the thickest woman in the world.
The sad, desperate contestant, who likes to call everyone else stupid, begins almost every sentence with the hackneyed phrase "At the end of the day," and tries to appear clever by saying words like "epiphany" but with the incorrect usage that renders them meaningless.
She told one reporter: "At the end of the day, an' a one time, two time ting, see my mans and dem, blap blap blap."
Alex is said to be suffering from a delusion which makes her think she's living in a So Solid Crew music video. She said: "At the end of the day, me gwan get dem instructions to carry out, an' a two time, pow pow pow."
Alex then threatened a reporter, saying: "I'll get my gangster friends to shoot you dead." When she was asked why she had made the threat, Alex said: "You're taking it out of context. You think me saying 'I'll get my gangster friends to shoot you dead' is a threat but you have to look at in context. Don't twist my words, two time."
Channel 4, which used to be a good channel, is to give Alex her own show and lots of money. The channel is well known for rewarding the disreputable and dishonest. It's currently in talks with disgraced shrink Dr Raj Persaud about hosting his own show.
In Croydon, vandals damaged Alex's BMW, scrawling the words "bitch" and "fake" on it. The police have asked that the vandals come forward and hand themselves in, so they can be given a pat on the back.
In the meantime, Alex is continuing to make threats against anyone she likes. We set up a meeting between her and Don Vincenzo Scali, boss of a Sicilian mob family. On meeting a real gangster, Alex shat herself and ran out, saying: "At the end of the day, my mans and dem, instructions one time in a two time, rice an' pea, blap blap, pow pow."