Michael Jackson spent much of the week tweaking his legal team, his entourage and of course his appearance. The embattled pop star said his new "Extreme Patriotic Makeover" is intended to show solidarity with "my fans fighting in the bad and dangerous war."
Jackson, who pleaded not guilty Friday to 10 counts of "Beat It" with a minor, dumped his attorneys saying he felt more comfortable being represented by "someone with long silky white hair."
The Humor Gazette has learned Jackson insisted he could not be tried as an adult because he is actually a cosmetically altered, anatomically disturbed little Caucasian boy at heart. He also sought legal advice from Robert Blake and fired five aestheticians from his nose maintenance team.
The famed singer hired a ringmaster to preside over the media circus that follows him everywhere, whether he's moon-walking on a monster Hummer outside the courthouse or juggling Spiderman babies on a hotel balcony. Phineas T. Elephant-Bone is a veteran ringmaster whose clients have included Robert Downey Jr., Pamela Anderson and Tinky Winky.
Jackson also overhauled his entourage after seeking entourage advice from MC Hammer. He dumped the Nation of Islam and renounced his Muslin name (Jiggy al-Jacko) then briefly dabbled in Buddhism before turning Catholic to fully embrace his love of "Jesus juice."
Jackson admitted several family members back into his posse on a probationary basis. Also back in the fold are Macauley Culkin, Emmanuel Lewis and Pee-Wee Herman. Newcomers include Yao-Ming, Mini-Me and an unidentified chimp wearing a Gucci diaper.
Jackson reportedly has been spotted sipping hot chocolate with Diana Ross. Elizabeth Taylor is said to be mulling a photo-op. Gary Coleman is now handling security.
In a recent Humor Gazette poll, 82% of black respondents said Jackson is white and 18% of white respondents said he is black. Public opinion is split over whether Jackson is a sick child molester.
But 93% "strongly agree" with the statement: "Something is terribly wrong with the crotch-grabbing former African American known as Michael Jackson, moon-walking that fine line between artistic genius and perverse insanity. Poor Jacko is wacko."