(La La Land, CA) - Originality is under attack this weekend at the box office, as Get Smart and The Love Guru, both opening wider than Oprah's vagina, recycle themes, jokes, and characters we have all seen many, many, many, many, times before. Both films are aimed primarily at the same audience: very stupid people who can still afford the gas to drive to the theater.
Get Smart, the predicted #1 film of the weekend, stars Steve Carell, Anne Hathaway, and the Rock in what the filmmakers themselves describe as "a comedy that's not really funny."
Co-screenwriter Tom J. Astle told USA Today that was necessary because the original Get Smart "was more a true spoof at the time. If we tried to mimic that tone in our movie, I think we'd come close to Austin Powers or The Naked Gun movies. Since those movies are really funny, and we obviously knew we didn't have that sort of talent in us, we wanted a movie that has romantic comedy (but not too romantic or too funny) and action and adventure in the middle of it."
"Sort of like a modern day Ishtar," said Astle, as director Peter Segal cringed nearby.
Segal tried to clear up his writer's bizarre take on the film.
"First of all, don't pay any attention to what that douche bag Tom Astle says. This is a Hollywood movie. Do you really think we actually used any of his script?"
When asked about the heavy load of action sequences in what is presumably a comedy, Segal got defensive.
"Look, we've got Steve Carell, and people want to see Steve Carell running and jumping and fighting. Or at least, Steve Carell wants to see Steve Carell running and jumping and fighting. And who am I to argue with the guy who made Evan Almighty such a massive hit?"
Also opening this weekend is The Love Guru, Mike Myer's attempt to become relevant again after fifteen or so years away from live action on the big screen.
Known to most people under 50 primarily as the voice of Shrek (ok, I'm kidding, no one really knows who the voice of Shrek is), Myers returns to real movies with this tale of an American born spiritual leader who wears a cheap fake beard and speaks in a weak Indian/Canadian accent, yet amazingly offends no one as he attempts to repair the relationship of two hockey players in denial about their homosexuality.
Myers is hoping his unique blend of bad makeup, relentless and repetitive dick jokes, raging homophobia, and hockey will be just what American audiences want to see in the middle of a recession.
Wait a minute. Hockey?
"Yeah, baby, hockey is something America loves but doesn't know it loves," said Myers, while taking a break from the writing of his next movie, It's a Gas, a story about a pastry chef with a hair lip who becomes world renown for cooking over flames he creates by lighting his own flatulence.
"Of course, I'm not certain that It's a Gas will be my next film, darling," Myers cautions. "It will really depend on whether or not people are stupid enough to make The Love Guru a hit. Otherwise, I may have to go back and hump the rotting corpse of Austin Powers one more time."
Expected to give Myers a run for his money this weekend are two holdovers from last weekend: The Hulk and Kung Fu Panda. One box office analyst expects it to be quite a showdown for the #2 spot.
"Look, all of these films suck equally," said Box Office Magazine writer Greasy Sycophant, "and that means people are just going to basically flip a coin when they get to the theater. So who the hell really knows what is going to come out on top? I can't believe I actually get paid to predict this shit. What a racket I have going."
Still, Sycophant does believe that Hulk and Panda will hold off Guru this weekend.
"Hulk and Panda have been out a while now, and I think most people are of the opinion, "Better the crap you know than the crap you don't.""