In a major shock today, an English singer became famous for singing.
A spokesman for the British music industry, Sir Gregory Baker, said: 'For years we had to use hype and silly news stories to make them famous, as whoever heard of anyone British who could sing decently? But at last we have a genuine talent, and it's not an annoying Welsh schoolkid!' And as journalists became interested enough to put down their drinks, and to stop filling in their expenses forms, Sir Gregory ushered the new star into the pub.
The new singing sensation turned out to be Mrs Doris Penthwhistle, of Clacton-On-Sea, aged 68, who is a WRVS tealady and a grandmother of 3. Acknowledging the applause of the press, she said: 'Every Sunday I sing in the choir in my church, St. Thomas's, and on Wednesdays I have a good sing-song with the girls at my local, the Goose and Liver, over a few gins and tonic. But I never realised I was to become so famous and cool, it's almost like someone made it all up!'
Quickly slipping a sedative into Mrs Penthwhistle's drink, Sir Gregory added: 'I've had to get rid of my other clients, Amy Whiner and Pete Hypedeveryday, as Doris is just too talented a hymn singer to ignore. And her drunken 'My Old Man's A Dustman' will take the world by storm - well, the papers by storm, anyway.'
Mrs Penthwhistle will be the first decent British singer since Boadiccea, who famously sang and played the violin as Roman towns burnt, but some singers from this island weren't too happy about the newcomer. 'We've only got away with being awful by having no decent competition', Tom Jones said, and Cliff Richard added: 'We don't need Doris, we already have dreadful people like me to appear in the news.'
Kate Bush was seen dancing and rolling her eyes in the pub car park.