(La La Land, CA) - Riding a wave of green steroids and martial arts mojo, The Incredible Hulk and Kung Fu Panda smashed M. Night Shyamalana-Ding-Dong's new film, The Happening, at the box office over the Father's Day weekend. Coming in fourth and fifth were a gay Israeli commando hairdresser and a geriatric history professor's search for the ultimate senior citizen's discount.
Just five years after the soporific Eric Banana led version, Hulk, crashed and burned following its $62 million opening weekend, the Edward Norton staring reboot added 'The Incredible' to its title and took the top spot to the tune of $55 million.
Learning from the mistakes director Ang Lee made with the disastrous previous version of the famed Marvel comic book, the makers of the new version dropped all the talky father-son issues that so bored audience members who could see and hear.
They also decided against again portraying the Hulk as a gay cowboy, a motif that served Ang Lee much better in his subsequent film, Brokeback Mountain.
"The Hulk was sort of a pussy in the last film," said new director Louis Leterrier, "and Bruce Banner was six ounces shy of being a full blown homo. We knew that shit wouldn't fly this time out."
Critics were much kinder to this outing (no pun intended), and although the box office haul was quite a bit less than the previous Hulk's, the studio said that was to be expected.
"Hey, we're just glad we got more than Ed Norton's extended family to show up," said Marvel Studio spokesman J. Jonah Jameson. "After all, following the massive green dump the first film took, we expected crickets to be singing at most theaters."
Coming in second was last week's number one film, Kung Fu Panda. The story of a cuddly and priapic bear from China who learns about the liberating thrills to be had from inflicting violence on others, Kung Fu Panda managed to show staying power in it's second weekend thanks mainly to massive repeat business from S&M curious men addicted to Viagra. Many of those men also took their children along with them, making Kung Fu Panda the first successful family sex film since The Little Mermaid.
"Nothing that happens in America surprises me anymore," said Panda star Jack Black.
Black said his newfound fame amongst sexually deviant men in their forties and fifties has made him more bankable, but he also said it has had a somewhat unwanted effect on his personal life.
"We always knew that it was going to turn on the kids, but we are thrilled we could take it to the next level by giving a boner to so many middle aged men. Of course, all the old dudes trying to hump my leg in public now does make it hard for me to wear the Panda suit on dates anymore. So while it's making me rich, it's also really screwing up my sex life."
Bowing in third place was the new M. Night Shyamalan thriller, The Happening. Advertised as an R-rated sex and gore fest, The Happening managed to exceed most industry expectations by pulling in $30 million. While only enough for the bronze medal this weekend, that was nearly triple the take of Shyamalan's last flick, The Lady Who Could Make You Sleep For Two Straight Hours.
"Obviously I'm excited to actually have people buying tickets to one of my movies again," said Shyamalan, "but I sure feel like a real whore for having to pump up the naughty bits in order to put fannies in the seats."
Still, Shyamalan did see a bright side.
"My agent tells me that being a whore is what making movies is really all about. So I guess I'm finally a real Hollywood director now."
Shyamalan then announced plans for his next film, a two hour study of a piece of lint being pushed by a breeze from under a dryer to the upper shelf where the laundry detergent is kept.
Shyamalan, who has had small parts in each of his previous films, plans on playing the part of the lint himself.
"It's a classic Hitchcockian suspense film," says Shyamalan. "It will have the audience snoring from the moment the opening credits roll."
Thanks to a revolutionary new special effects process he's developing, Shyamalan hopes to film the piece of lint's entire journey all in one amazingly boring take.
"I figure, if I can do it in only one take, it will only take me four or five hours maximum to shoot the entire thing. And any time I don't have to spend actually shooting is time I can use more productively by talking myself into believing that I'm still making interesting movies."
Tentatively titled M. Night's Amazing Journey of Ego, the film will be co-financed by Universal Pictures and the makers of Ambien MN, a new sleeping pill that you take while watching Shyamalan's second film, Unbreakable.
"Shyamalan helps you get to sleep. Ambien MN keeps you asleep," said a spokesman for the maker of the pill, Sanofi-Aventis Pharmaceuticals.
Fourth and fifth places this weekend were occupied by You Don't Mess With The Zohan and Indiana Jones and The Menace of The Crystal Arks of Doom, Part IV: Attack of the Commie Clones, whose respective titles guarantee that this will be the longest sentence in this article.