Written by Simon Cockle
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Saturday, 14 June 2008

image for New BB9 controversy as contestants asked to disembowel themselves
Day 17 in the Big Brother household...

After controversies over racism, sexual behaviour and violence, BB9 was facing new calls last night to regulate itself after contestants were asked, as part of a weekly task, to remove their own intestines in order to provide a better shopping budget.

As student nurse, Lydia Reflecto-Porn, 21, read out the task on Wednesday morning, contestants were visibly shaken by the thought of what they would have to do, but most were enthusiastic. Italian lawyer Rima Pudendi, 23, while in the diary room, said: 'It's a tough ask but if it means we can get more wine and cigarettes, I'm up for anything. She added 'I have no mind or control over my motor functions. I am part of a self-seeking generation of self-publicists whose obsession with surface gloss belies a mental instability that threatens to overwhelm me' with a smirk.

Contestants have three days to completely remove their intestines. They can use any implement from the kitchen and must remove at least 1kg of their guts a day. When they hear 'Saturday Night' by Whigfield, they must, within 60 seconds, meet in the garden and start cutting into themselves.

Already, Greg Rohypnol, 27, a bar manager from Leeds, has dropped out after he bled to death in the bathroom. Fitness instructor Marco vas Deferens, 30, has lapsed into a coma but his intestines, due to the incision he made on Thursday, are slipping out naturally as they fill with digested food. Some rats that are nesting in a wound in his left leg have also helped the process by attempting to drag them out to feed their babies.

The team at BB9 have hinted that they have more devious tasks ready for this year's contestants. The theme of BB9 is 'Total Moral Degradation and Artistic Bankrupcy as a illustration of Emile Durkheim's Theory of Anomie'. Future tasks include forcing contestants to eat their own excrement, using the skin of dead contestants to make lampshades and the final task where the surviving contestants stare silently into the camera directly at the audience in an effort to make them search their souls for a excuse to keep watching.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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