Amy Winehouse is actually Amy Winehouse, a shock report revealed today. Speaking from her house in Aimes, Ms. Winehouse said: 'Yes, I am Amy Winehouse. My first name is Amy, and my second one is Winehouse.'
Newspapers have long suspected that the singer is actually that singer, but it has taken them all this time to actually prove it, after many satirists copied spoof news stories about her from other writers.
Amy's manager - A. Mewinehouse - said: 'Yes, Amy is in fact Amy. I know, it's incredible, and I have more news about her - she breathes air!' Even world-weary journalists were astounded by this latest revelation, and some were thinking that Amy was now going to be even more fascinating and newsworthy than Princess Wossername, if that could be possible, and then they went to the pub for a liquid lunch and forgot all about it.
But her mum, Mrs Amy Winehouse, said: 'Amy who?'
And Janis Joplin, arguably the world's best and worst female singer at the same time, and definitely the ugliest one, had this to say: 'At least I'm famous for singing, what does that English chick do to get in the news? Wear lots of mascara?'
Diana Ross is 400 next week, Ms Winehouse is in rehab again, and Mrs Margaret Hilda Thatcher will replace her as the next British female singing star - or maybe not.