A new until-now undiscovered play by William Shakespeare will be opening soon in London, at the Flea Market and Hamsterdam Theatre. 'A Tale Of Two Xerox Machines' will be performed by a cast from the Royal Shakespeare Company, and will feature lots of double-entendres and puns about teeth, and references to Hillary in Playboy, and any other ideas that can be stolen from passing satirists.
Stars will be five for Xeroxing, but if in doubt then Francis Bacon will be hired to rewrite the play without any humour or satire, just to please the thru'penny-bit audience.
Speaking from Stratford-upon-Avon, Mrs. Shakespeare said: 'Beans on toast OK for you, Bill? And stop stealing ideas from other people! Grow up, ya pie-faced wuzzack! And get those dishes done!'
But Mr. 'I really knew about the world living in a cottage near Bath' Shakespeare commented: 'Well, er, what can I say? At least The Spoof will appear in the 21st century, then I can really get stealing! Pass me that duck, will you?'
Literary experts have long suspected that Shakespeare didn't actually write his famous plays and poems, but simply logged into The Spoof with a time machine, and then used his Xerox to copy lots of other people's work, when he thought nobody was looking. But Senator Hillary Clinton, speaking from the studios of Playboy magazine, said: 'Hey, Bill taught me everything I know! And I don't mean Bill Clinton!'
Sir Thomas Malory, legendary writer of 'Hillary In Playboy Joke Again', said: 'Versooth and zounds! How dare thee, er, pillage thine Shakespearean satire, 'twil ne'er be' - seize us a light for my ciggie, will you, pal? - 'ne'er be seen verily 'til morn' - mine's a double Glenmorangie, mate - 'thou must take thyself and eat thy bag of chips with nein vinegar, vinegar gives me the chunder - and if you don't like it, it's outside and a square go, ya ****er!'
But speaking from Edinburgh - in Scotland - in Britain - not far from Iraq, or even Bath - millionaire authoress and annoying silly-wee-red-headed-lassie Joanna Rowling said: 'What's wrong with stealing ideas? I mean ....' And fellow Xeroxer, Baroness Elspeth von Hindenberg of Saxe-Cobelsenbergen VII Part I Continued Over The Page also said: 'Jawohl, Mein Fuhrer.'
A photo with a stolen diving joke will now appear. J K Rowling is now in my living room, drinking Earl Grey tea, and admiring my collection of Private Eye back issues.