(La La Land, CA) - For the first time in weeks, geriatric action heroes and old ladies having sex took a back seat to kids who just wanted a crappy movie they could laugh at while getting stoned, as the American box office was ass-kicked into submission by a fat animated panda and a repressed homosexual Mossad agent.
Opening in first place with an estimated $60 million was the Jack Black led animated flick Kung Fu Panda, proving that people will pay more than ever before to see Black when they don't actually have to see him. The cartoon about an unlikely martial arts hero was the sixth biggest non-sequel animated opening ever, for people who think such a narrowly themed record actually means something. When adjusted for inflation, however, Panda actually comes in 987th on that list.
With no other mediocre kid's movies set to open over the next three weeks, Kung Fu Panda is likely to rip off audiences to the tune of $200 million or more before people catch on.
Proving that even Adam Sandler can't mess with a panda, the slumming comedian's new padded out one-note sketch, You Don't Mess With The Zohan, came in second with $40 million. Zohan also came in second for the year in the category of most ridiculous and unwieldy title, behind only Indiana Jones and The Menace of The Crystal Arks of Doom, Part IV: Attack of the Commie Clones.
Speaking from an isolation tank at his Skywalker Ranch, Indiana Jones producer George Lucas said, "Adam Sandler may think he's the biggest idiot in town, but he will always be second to me."
Sandler can take comfort however in Zohan having the highest grossing opening weekend for any film containing more than 400 jokes about hummus.
Sandler's film about a tough Israeli agent coming to terms with his latent homosexuality proved to be particularly popular with Palestinians, as only three theaters were fire bombed in Tel Aviv over the weekend. The total box office was also aided by an important demographic, People Who Just Popped In To Get Out Of The Rain, as they represented fully 24% of the film's total audience.
Coming in third with $23 million was Lucas' fourth Indiana Jones movie about the search for the longest and dumbest title in recorded history, proving for the third week in a row that there is always an audience for a sequel that blatantly recycles scenes from a series' previous outings.
Rounding out the top four was the old ladies and cooze comedy Sex and the City with $21 million. The movie, adapted from the former HBO comedy, has now grossed $99 million in just 10 days, thanks largely to a heavy marketing push aimed primarily at homosexual men and the lonely women who love them. Heavy television rotation of new ads sponsored by Massingill Disposable Douche were also credited with propping up the legs of SATC and the old ladies who love it.