Written by queen mudder

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Topics: Madonna, Scientology

Wednesday, 4 June 2008

image for Madonna quits Kabbalah for Scientology
Madonna, born-again as Xenu's ultimate Terran muse and consort

London - (Menopausal Mess): Opus Dei tribute artiste Madonna has quit Kabbalah after a vision of necromancer Aleister Crowley initiated her in a multiple orgasm wet dream as Xenu's ultimate consort and Terran muse.

The 50 year-old entertainer had been consecrated as Kabbalah's newly-morphed Queen Lilith during a Winter Solstice 2000 marriage ceremony to wannabe movie mogul wannabe Guy Ritchie at Scotland's Balybollox Hotel.

A £25 million golden thank-you cheque from Russia's then President Vlad 'The Impaler' Putin sealed the deal which had been brokered by Alexander Lebedev, former KGB colonel and Soviet-era used condom salesman.

But the legendary seven year itch got the better of her last Xmas after plastic surgeons prescribed cannabis-derived painkillers following a double face lift and vaginaplasty operation.

"Basically the weed pills gave Madonna out-of-body orgasms," an ex-Kabbalah pal told LA FagHagSlagMag celeb fanzine.

"She started a hallucinogenic relationship with what some assume is Scientology's Warrior-God Zenu after Crowley performed the ancient Egyptian Raising Osiris's Priapus ceremony that forms the bedrock of Kabbalah sexual healing."

An official announcement is expected at a Hampton Court Palace money laundering party this Saturday in memory of legendary Soviet whore Raisa Gorbachev.

Elton John has a lot of 'previous'.

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