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Monday, 2 June 2008

image for Old Funky Spunk Rules: Sex and the City #1 at the Box Office
Sarah Jessica Parker couldn't be happier about SATC's big weekend.

A powerful combination of menopause and Geritol dominated the North American box office this past weekend, as Sex and the City packed them in to the tune of a $55.7 million opening weekend.

Proving there is sex after 40, 50, 60, & 70, Carrie Bradshaw and her ever aging "girls" used their heavily dyed pubes to great advantage, managing to drag nearly every other woman in the country into theaters. 85% of the audience was female, with the other 15% divided mostly between gay men and men who are gay but just haven't been able to yet admit it to themselves or their wives.

Approximately 2% of the audiences were actual straight men, but most of them reported that their junk fell off sometime during the first hour and was replaced by a bearded clam before the final credits rolled.

The opening weekend numbers were nearly twice as much as had been predicted by most industry analysts, but as one studio head noted, "Box office predictors are really just about the most useless individuals working today. They fall somewhere between weathermen and screenwriters."

Unfortunately for SATC, long-term prospects do not look promising. The flick took in $29 million on Friday but plummeted to $17 million on Saturday. As most big movies usually do more business on Saturday than on Friday, the Saturday plunge was a sign that the audience for the film could dry up quicker than Miranda's vagina.

Coming in second was Indiana Jones and The Menace of The Crystal Arks of Doom, Part IV: Attack of the Commie Clones. Boosted by a special senior citizens discount, the George Lucas produced flick has thus far managed to con the public out of $216.9 million in just 11 days. Prospects for the future of the epic look good, as many old folks with nothing to do in the summer are expected to provide a lot of repeat business.

"There is nothing cooler than seeing a guy as old as Harrison Ford gallivanting across the screen without breaking a hip," said Max Catterwaul, 87. "It gives me hope that when I'm his age I'll still be able to crack the whip, so to speak."

Lucasfilm has done an amazing job marketing the picture, which stands to knock the original Raiders of the Lost Ark out of the Top Fifty grossing pictures of all time sometime in the next week. An intense direct mail campaign to nursing homes all across the country is credited for much of the excitement.

"Old folks are getting so excited at seeing Harrison still able to do it at his age, they are actually having heart attacks right there in the theaters," Lucas said over the weekend in an interview with Modern Maturity magazine.

"You can't buy better advertising than that!"

Following the Robert Downey, Jr., 40, hit Iron Man, SATC and Crystal Arks of Doom have proved that there is money to be made marketing to people other than drooling thirteen year old boys. Coupled with the failure of tween oriented films like The Chronicles of Narnia and Speed Racer, expect Hollywood to produce more tent pole flicks starring senior citizens and women.

Caught up in the tide, Paramount Pictures has announced this weekend that they will combine the two genres as they flash forward their Lara Croft series decades into the future. The new Tomb Raider film will star Lauren Bacall, 83, and be entitled, Lara Croft Tomb Raider: Cradle of Osteoporosis. The plot of the film revolves around a now saggy Croft and her search for a lost ancient city named Premarin. The film will be co-financed by Wyeth Pharmaceuticals.

Harrison Ford had been rumored to be attached to the film as Croft's love interest, but apparently he has now been ruled out as being just too young. Sean Connery, 197, is now thought to be in talks about the role.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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