The whole country was in shock from 9:55 - 9:57 EST last night as LaToya London was voted off of American Idol.
"Man, this is the defining moment of our generation. Everyone's gonna remember what they were doing when they heard that LaToya London was voted off American Idol. Jasmine's whack, yo! It's a conspiracy. She ain't nothing but a Don HO." A young gentleman standing on a corner just drinking his Gin n' Juice told this reporter in between sobs.
This reporter wasn't sure exactly what that meant, but she decided to contact Don Ho to find out. A spokesperson for the Hawaiian icon said, "We are pleased at how far Jasmine's come. Yes. It's our plan for Hawaii to dominate the mainland musically. Don couldn't do it alone so he's started an academy for not-so gifted but really cute singers named after Disney characters. Yes, they're called Don's Hos, but that's not widely known information. How did you get this number again?"
The spokesperson then put me on hold and I had to listen to the muzak version of "Tiny Bubbles" for six minutes.
I asked her if there was a conspiracy going on. She said, "Whatever do you mean? We don't have diallers programmed with Jasmine's number, if that's what you are asking? Hawaiians have much better things to do with their time than to repeatedly text message a reality TV show." She then put the receiver down.
I distinctly heard her whisper, "But, sir, she's on to us. What should I do?"
"Get rid of her...just like we got rid of Jennifer Hudson and Latoya London. Do it now." Then, the phone went dead.
I am typing this story now as I sit in my parked car writing on my lap top. I'm afraid to go home because there are three large Polynesian men outside my door in multi-colored shirts, strumming ukuleles.
I'm not sure if my investigation into this American Idol scandal is related to this or not, but they are singing Don Ho songs. Be careful, Diana and Fantasia. You may be next.