In a surprise move today, the United States of America declared war on Chris Moyles.
Speaking from the dog-leg on the 14th., at Atlanta, President Bush said: 'Ask Dad, he's the straight man, I just do all the slapstick.'
And when we tracked down George Bush Senior, in his oval-shaped office, he said: 'Yes, we had no other choice. Moyles has been terrorising the international community for too long, with his inane jokes and endless self-publicty, and his stomach makes Michael Moore's look like Twiggy's.'
But the leader of the Disunited Nations, Henry Mbebmebmelios, said: 'We refuse to join in in this attack on Moyles, without trying sanctions first. But if that doesn't work, it's out with the harpoon, and off to west London before the Yanks get him first.'
Russian leader, Vlad the Impaler, said: 'We won't join in the war against Moyles, but we wish the Americans every success against him.' And Deputy Prime Minister, Alister Boring, added: 'How dare the Americans attack Moyles - that should be our job.'
One close source, a Mr. W'Ogan, had a different perspective on this latest war: 'This is long overdue, let's hope they attack Jimmy Young next.' But Mr. Young himself said: 'Well, us chappies on the J Y prog love our bantering chatter, what what.'
Tony Bannockburn is 95.