In a surprise move, pop star and all-round girl-you-wished-wasn't-next door Madonna is to become the new Pope.
The current Pontefract, Pope Heinrich von Nazinger, appeared on his balcony in Rome, and wearing a dodgy uniform, he adressed a hundred thousand adoring young recruits, with these words: 'Ja, Madonna will be my successor, I will retire next week.'
Madonna will be the first female Pope, and will inherit the title next Tuesday, as soon as she's made a decent record.
Speaking from her mansion in California, she said: 'Wowee! Hey, I know gays love me, but now I'll be surrounded by men dressed in skirts, and lots of little boys! Bet Michael Jackson wishes he was in my shoes!'
But Madonna's father, Mr. Madmussolini, said: 'She'd better not set foot in my house again after this. She's never done anything with her life, apart from becoming one of the most famous people in the world, and making millions from her music. I'll be sending her straight to bed if she calls round, and with no supper!'
But Madonna's mother, Mrs. Mayawna, said: 'I never liked Guy Nobody's films, even Joseph Goebbels made funnier ones than him.'
Miss Madonna, real name Madonna Osmond Calzone, will be crowned by the retiring and shy Pope Nazinger, and he had this final comment, as he finished his bratwurst and lager and schnapps: 'I wonder if she will plait her hair and put the old uniform on? Let's hope so, auf wiedersehn.'
Jesus Christ, when asked what he thought about a pop star being Pope, said: 'Don't ask me, man, I've got a Second Coming to attend to - or is it Third? I can never remember if rising from the dead is meant to happen once, or twice.'