Written by Robert W. Armijo
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Thursday, 15 May 2008

image for David Archuleta's "Idol" Dad More like "American Dad", say producers
David Archuleta has this puppy's vote

Hollywood, California - Jeff Archuleta, the overly zealous "stage mom" of "American Idol" contestant, David Archuleta, has been banished from the magical kingdom of Simon Cowell, say the show's producers. As they have had enough of the overprotective father's meddling antics that cost the show money.

Reportedly, that was the straw that broke this camel's back, as his advice to his son to use lyrics from another song, however so slight, resulted the payment of residuals to a song not on this season's play list, say producers.

As the shows executive producer and creator, Simon had to personally pony up the cash out of pocket to pay for the royalty's owed to the other song's record company.

"Really, I don't know what's gotten into the boy," said Simon's executive assistant. "Fortunately, Simon always carries a wade of cash on his person for such unexpected contingencies. However, with the favorable exchange rate here, he never had to touch it and paid the residuals, which only amounted to a few $100,000 of your American dollars, out of petty cash."

Although the amount is relatively small, it is not an insignificant sum to Simon.

"After all, 'American Idol' is about not spending money, but making it," continued Simon's executive assistant. "Besides, that money could have gone to a good cause, seed money for a charitable enterprise like 'Afghanistan Goat Herder Idol Results Show', 'Gaza Strip Suicide Bomber Idol Results Show' or even a joint venture, like 'Survivor Castaway Reunion Idol Results Show."

"David was supposed to sing, "Stand by Me" in its entirety, just as scheduled well in advance and as done in dressed rehearsals," said the show's vocal coach. "He can't just go off on his own like that, barrowing the lyrics from "Beautiful Girl", even if his father tells him to. I never have seen such absolute loyalty, such blind devotion. It's as if he has some strange hold over his son."

Waiting off stage, out of camera range and lurking in the shadows the final night before he was ban from the show, Jeff Archuleta wore an incongruous looking trench coat. As he swayed back and forth, lip-syncing to the words of the song he rewrote for his son to perform, he discreetly produced a puppy from underneath his coat. While holding a gun to its head, he nodded to his son, signaling him to begin signing.

"I won't forget him. I can't," said Karol Hathaway-Parker from Iowa, who witnessed the evening's incident. "While his son sang, he kept saying beneath his deep raspy breathe, 'Impressive. Most impressive."

Jeff Archuleta has refused to comment on his ban from attending the taping of the show even from attending rehearsals the "American Idol" Show, except for a prepared statement he released to the media through his attorney, which read in part:


"Together we can bring an end to this destructive conflict and rule the galaxy as father and son. The Emperor, Simon Cowell, has foreseen it.

Oh and one other thing, don't forget to project from your diaphragm when you sing and drink some Chamomile tea with lemon before you start, to open your vocal cords and honey to sooth and speed in their recovery afterwards.

Oh, and stand up straight, shoulders out when you walk and for God sakes watch your diet, remember the camera adds 10 pounds. Oh and another thing…."


No word on whether Jeff Archuleta will be allowed to attend the grand finale should his son make the final cut or win.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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