Written by Joe Leary
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Tuesday, 11 May 2004

image for Donald Rumsfeld to appear on Queer Eye
Rumsfeld shows shock at selection

A source for Bravo TV leaked the news that Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld will appear on an episode of the hit reality show "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy." This comes only days after Rumsfeld was heavily criticized for abuse of Iraqi prisoners, both in the press and by President George Bush.

Surprisingly, Rumsfeld was nominated to be on the show by President Bush who is a big fan of the show. Bush said, "Rumsfeld is an embarrassment to this administration and though I won't ask him to resign, I hope them Queers can straighten his ass out. He looks hideous at press conferences. Besides, I like the way them queers talk and that Carson guy sure the hell is funny."

When pressed for information on how they would makeover Rumsfeld the Fab Five responded by giving hints in their respective categories. For culture, Jai Rodriguez said that Rumsfeld has no couth. "It's not nice the way he talks to those reporters at press conferences. He's just downright mean sometimes. I am going to give him five free passes to Lady Manners School."

Kyan Douglas thinks that Rumsfeld's hair looks like a duck died on it. "And what's with that dye job? Did he mix up his shoe polish with hair dye? We need to give him a nice buzzcut. It looks like he shaves with a yard rake. This one will be tough."

Carson Kressley said that Rumsfeld's wardrobe looks like he raided Richard Nixon's closet. "I have seen better clothes on corpses. As a matter of fact I have seen corpses that look better than him. We have to get this guy out of the 70's with a nice Yves Saint Laurent."

"Donald Rumsfeld's living room reminds me of Saddam's last home, a hole. If I just had Condi Rice come in and throw up on the walls it would look nicer" said Thom Felicia. "I think I am going to build him a rec room where he can play his war games when he resigns. Eh, I mean retires."

Food guru Ted Allen believes that Rumsfeld has to give up his Hungry Man Salisbury steak TV dinners and eat some crow. "What's with the Boones Farm Red Raspberry wine? What is this guy, a bum? I think I'll teach him how to make a nice lobster ravioli in a light pink sauce."

When asked to comment Donald Rumsfeld said he was shocked at first to learn that they were interested in him. He went on to say that once he met the guys he knew he was in the right hands, and that he welcomed the makeover. "If those guys were in the Army they'd make excellent prison guards. Now if only they had had an expert in finding weapons of mass destruction I would be set."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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