Hollywood -- Today, pop star Michael Jackson responded to articles that have appeared in The Spoof concerning his indictment for child molestation.
"All those mean articles hurt my feelings," Jackson told reporters as tears streamed down his face. "You're all so MEAN!" Jackson then cried for several hours with a garland of onion hanging around his neck.
"We stand by Michael," said Stephanie Coomber, charter president of the Terre Haute Michael Jackson club. "I mean, just because they found evidence n' stuff doesn't mean he's guilty, and those mean ol' reporters oughtta just leave him alone!"
In recent weeks, writers who have voiced opinions contrary to those of Jackson's fans have received record numbers of hate mail. One such reporter is Wayne Gack, a veteran journalist on the staff of The Spoof. Gack has received death threats from supporters of the child-fondling pop icon, all of them misspelled or containing gross examples of poor grammar.
"Here's one," said Gack as he held up one of the infamous hate mails. "It says, 'Me no like you. You mean for having own opinion. You not goo writer." Gack then paused and asked, "what the f**k is a 'goo' writer? Is that someone who writes a description of what Michael Jackson did to his last little friend?"
"We stand by our writers," said Dr Jones, Senior Editor for The Spoof. "Free press means free voicing of one's opinions. If Mr. Gack feels that Jackson is a freakish, child-molesting, talentless, womany man-thing, then he has a God-given right to voice that opinion."
When asked if he would be offering a public apology for his anti-Jackson articles, Gack said "No." He then opened a Michael Jackson Dartboard franchise.
DISCLAIMER: This will be my last Michael Jackson article on The Spoof. I think I've made my point, and I want to write about other things. Many thanks to all Michael's fans out there who actually thought their hate-mails hurt me in any way. All you've done is jack up my points.