Written by David Hawkins
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Topics: Hair, dating

Sunday, 4 May 2008

image for Never Get A Date With These 3 Hairstyles.
Kiss Me I Have Stupid Hair

Expert psychologists from Boston's Behavioral Signalization Institute of Hair Science have finished a 3 year long study involving 500 people that tests what affect hairstyles and beards have on their validity and taken seriousness out in the real world in real situations.

The findings are startling. Of a random selection of 25,000 people asked, 79% believe that the EMO Comb-Over hairstyle certainly crushes any hope of someone else taking you seriously if you dye your hair black and comb your hair over your forehead like your balding uncle Arnie.

The top beard style to wear if you want absolutely nobody to take you seriously as if you had a valid point no matter what you are talking about is the "Van Dyke", "Man Cow", or the "Jim Cramer Mad Money" partial beard. More popular with the younger set trying to act more mature, ironically it didn't and even more ironically, this one is now usually reserved for the old bald guy trying to seem younger.

An astounding 99% of people asked are in the "No Way" boat when it comes to the "CUPIE DOLL" hairstyle. This is the new style where the insecure, immature, whining, self-centered young tosser takes a handful of hair product in each hand and begins at the sides of the head and just smashes it into his hair all the way up to form a peak at the top like a cupie doll and then just leaves it like that. The hair sticks straight up in the middle like when you wake up and a normal person does all kinds of things to keep if from staying that way or anyone seeing you with it. Many men will recall having done this at one time or another with shampoo or shaving cream to get a laugh but now thousands of adolescent pinheads are expecting people to take them seriously while they go about their day to day routines with this clownish dolly topping like the twist on the top of a Dairy Queen soft ice cream cone.

It makes you look like a baby so when you cry or say something is "sweet" you will seem like you only require having your ass kicked for foisting your lack of culture on everyone and the whole world will be better for it, OR you will look cool to those 3 girls out there in the world that would want to date something that stupid. But of course if you look like this you have no car to pick a date up in because you have no job because nobody could possibly take you seriously while trying not to laugh at your idiotic ridge of hair and total lack of style, originality, and your disrespect for anyone who has to see you making a total dick out of yourself with your sissy, "kick me I'm self-centered", baby doll hair.

The expert's at Boston's BSIHS found all kinds of other intriguing correlations between hairstyles and predictable behavior but those were the most enlightening.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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