Written by Jalapenoman
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Topics: Texas, Ozzy Osbourne

Monday, 28 April 2008

image for San Antonio Extends Statute Of Limitations for Ozzy Osbourne
He's a "dead man walking" if he ever shows up in South Texas

In February of 1982, musician Ozzy Osbourne was arrested in San Antonio, Texas. He was wearing a dress in the downtown area and seen urinating on a statue in front of the Alamo. The monument was a shrine to the men, women, and children who died at the shrine in their fight to gain independence from Mexico. The names of the 179 brave fighters are carved into the side of the statue.

After he made bail, the Black Sabbath singer skipped town before the trial and never returned.

Every few years, the San Antonio City Council extends the statute of limitations for this crime and keeps the warrant for his arrest in Bexar county outstanding. Jack Hanks, Spokesman for the mayor said that "he's lucky he ain't been caught in this town, cuz we'd nail his dick to a fence post, light it on fire, and give him a rusty serrated knife to cut himself off. After that, we'd probably beat the crap out of him for a while. Then we'd go ahead and arrest him and let the law punish him right; I figure the electric chair ought to do it cuz too many folks would volunteer to be on the firing squad."

When asked why the city was unable to forgive and forget, he answered "could you forgive someone for pissing on your mama? If some lowlife took a shit on your daddy's grave, would you invite him over for a beer? I don't think so!"

Osbourne, who has bitten the heads off of live bats and doves onstage and has shot his family pets, has never issued any apology for the incident.

"Well," the stoner said, "when you gotta go, you gotta go. I had too many beers, couldn't find me pants that morning, and didn't feel like looking for the toilet. Is it my fault that they put a statue to a bunch of dead guys in front of that old church?"

Texans rank this offense as the worst ever committed in the state, above the JFK assassination and the Cowboys not winning every Super Bowl.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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