Druggie Pete Doherty has been given his own blood stained cell in Wormwood Scrubs after several prisoners expressed a desire to have what a prison officer described as "anal relations" with the singer.
Officer Dibble told the Spoof that the 29-year-old druggie had become very popular with some of the prisoners, a few of whom had shown an overly keen interest in helping the Babyshambles frontman into his pyjamas each night.
"While we actively encourage prisoner co-operation and teamwork, we felt that Mr Doherty didn't require three men to help him undress."
Reports that some prisoners have taken a dislike to Mr Doherty have been substantiated by interviews conducted with two inmates.
Ben Dover, serving ten months for rape and attempted murder, said Doherty had been "rather uncooperative" when asked to "squeal".
Another prisoner, Seymour Butts, serving twenty-five years for embezzlement, said Doherty refused to be friends with him and didn't have the courtesy to retrieve his bar of soap from the shower-room floor.
Doherty is serving a 14-week sentence for repeatedly taking the piss concerning his probation order.