London - (Wrinkly Ass Mess): Official: absolutely no blue blood here. That is the conclusion of an ancestry tracing company that has found Camilla, Madonna-Kebab, the Yorkshire Ripper, Celine Dion, Posh Spice and JK Rowling are all related to a common forebear, spawned in a Cossack salt mine as the result of endemic rampant incest.
WackyAncestor.web analysed the DNA of millions of inbreeds and found a common thread similar to Fumarase Deficiency, or fumaric aciduria as it is commonly known, a human enzyme irregularity manifesting in bonkers personalities.
"This genetic defect can cause delusions of grandeur, severe mental, social and sartorial retardation, unusual facial features characterised by 'whores-face syndrome', brain malformation and seizures - mainly of large consignments of cocaine, crystal meth and other illicit Class A drugs," Prof V Smart of the Boston Academy of Neurotic Studies said today.
But Clarence House is having none of it:
"The Duchess of Cornwall is not related to any of those slags and if you publish a word about those Class A seizures there'll be hell to pay for," a spokesman said today.