Written by Dan Bristol
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Topics: New York, Ugly

Thursday, 6 May 2004

image for Martha Stewart "A mean, ugly bitch" according to court ruling
"Mean Ugly Bitch" Martha Stewart

New York - The New York Court of Appeals today turned down yet another request by Martha Stewart's defense team that her case be reopened on grounds that she is mean and ugly bitch.

Hon. George T. Muckrake, senior Appellate Judge, issued a statement to the press outlining his reasons for turning down the appeal. "First of all, she's a mean and ugly bitch," the judge said. "Second, she's just plain and straightforward guilty and I wanna see her ass sizzle. Third, she's a mean and ugly bitch."

Spoof reporters discovered that there is a legal precedent for the judge's decision. A little-known clause in Federal Law allows for appellate courts to deny a request for an appeal if the person making it is a mean, ugly bitch.

"Seems pretty straightforward to me," Muckrake told the press. "Mrs. Stewart had her day in court and got her ass beaten down good. Too bad if the over-inflated, self-important, superfluous bleach-bag of an ugly bitch didn't much care for the court's decision. Let her whine to the prison psychologist about it." The judge then chuckled to himself.

Meanwhile, prison officials are preparing for Stewart's 200 consecutive life-sentence term by issuing a tasteful orange jumpsuit and decorating her intended cell, number B49, in soothing tones of institutional, prison-rape grey. It is not known at this time whether or not matching dust-ruffles will be available for her prison-issue cot. However, a beautiful brass plaque has been engraved to identify B49 as Stewart's cell. It reads, "Mean Ugly Bitch."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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