London - (Sinewy Ass Mess): Nutritionists at the London Hip, Thigh & Wobbly Arse Clinic have scoffed at the idea that Guy Ritchie's impotence is a direct result of a daft, spouse-imposed 800 calorie-a-day cookie diet.
"It's living with a bossy-boots gargoyle ball-breaker that's made him flaccid," Dr Florey Stonkers told the colleagues today, "that's what's done it.
"Ever since she had her halitosis acid facial peel and that organic freetrade Wales blubber filller jabs in her scraggy old jowls Madonna's become a total brain-dead wacko," Stonkers explained helpfully.
Ritchie has confided in pals that his manhood turned irreversibly to jelly late last year rather than service Queen Bitch's snatch.
And no amount of viagra, cocaine or porny videos makes the slightest bit of difference.
Material Girl meanwhile is said to be planning a quickie divorce after finding the original script of her 1998 prenup.
"She's going to marry the Malawi adoption minister," a PR source added confidentially.