Written by Tragic Rabbit
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Tuesday, 15 April 2008

image for John Barrowman not so gay, says buxom backstairs Lolita
The adorable Captain Jack of Doctor Who fame secretly loves to shag girls.

'Captain Jack' John Barrowman's public image of gay pride and connubial bliss came under scrutiny yesterday amid revelations of weekend trysts with a prostitute and her enormous tits.

"Him so horny, me love him long time," said peroxide Eastend chippie and inexplicable 2 Live Crew fan, Rose GoLightly, 15.

Torchwood star and celebrity ice-skater John Barrowman, gay icon and 2006 Stonewall Entertainer of the Year internationally famous for his portrayal of the irresistible Captain Jack Harkness, may not be nearly as gay as fans and his partner of 15 years believe.

Rose GoLightly, called Rosie the Riveter by her underage gal pals, has come forward with phone cam videos of multiple seedy encounters with dimpled stage and BBC One star John Barrowman.

The dim-lit grainy images purport to show Barrowman engaged in sex acts involving Rose's gigantic knockers, a tub of Crisco and a frisky Alsatian named Pandy.

Though the filmed man's features are not clear, noticeable dimples and the stagelight sparkles in his eyes do suggest it is the adorable Captain Jack of Doctor Who and Torchwood fame.

"I'd know that chin anywhere," says Torchwood co-star Eve Miles, adding, "Hell, you could put an eye out with that chin."

Rose GoLightly appeared unworried at the prospect, romping with apparent abandon in the short phone cam clip provided to reporters.

Rose is considered in certain Eastend streets to have the "biggest damn tits in England", her triple-Ds featuring as a low-end tourist draw and subject of local controversy. "I t'ink she 'ad a tit job," says backseat fellatio specialist and orthodontist nightmare Ima Slag, 16.

"I remember two years ago, she di'n't have 'em t'ings, she wa' flat as me granny's las' bleep machine readin'," reported Ima, somewhat unintelligibly.

"Tha's a tit job, tha' is," she stated firmly.

Scott Gill was unavailable for comment.

Tragic Rabbit, Big Fat Liar Tab, Cardiff

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