Written by ZiaUl-Hack
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Topics: New York

Wednesday, 5 May 2004

image for Helen Hunt "Disappointed" No Moonbats Have Tried To Shoot Someone To Impress Her
Hunt is willing to settle for minor assault on Steve Irwin

(New York, New York) Helen Hunt is disappointed.

The almost universally beloved star of "As Good As It Gets" and the highly-rated TV series "Mad About You" simply "cannot believe" that no "barking weirdo" has tried to shoot some public figure just to impress her.

"It wouldn't have to be a major public figure or anything. I don't want anything to happen to the president or anything like that. It could be some low-magnitude TV personality who fills in on Hollywood Squares or one of those shows, or even just a CEO of some publicly traded company."

Hunt, who turns 41 this year, pointedly notes that her "time is running out."

"Look, Jodie Foster and I were both child stars, but as far as I know she was never on the Mary Tyler Moore show. And Hinckley... boy, can you imagine the look on that guy's face when Jodie's brother "outed" her? Three words: WASTE OF BULLETS! Meanwhile, look at me...I'm single, everyone says they love me, and remember what I've been through, too... I was married to a guy who used to go around pretending to be Apu and Chief Wiggum from 'The Simpsons.'"

Hunt believes she has earned the right to "an analogous if not greater degree of demented-fan devotion".

"It's not easy being me," Hunt complains. "I was great in 'Mr. Saturday Night', but no one even saw the stupid movie, and now, it's clear to me that many of the people who approach me in the street do so only because they think I'm Leelee Sobieski."

Consistent with her "good girl" image, Hunt says she is "not being picky" and will be "more than satisfied" with any "genuine efforts" to impress her by the sanity-impaired.

"Heck, it doesn't have to be a shooting," Hunt concedes. "If someone would just punch that goofy Australian croc guy in the nose to impress me, or hit Susan Lucci in the face with a cream pie to get on my good side, I'll be happy."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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