Written by dalepetrie
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Topics: Baby, Twins

Tuesday, 4 May 2004

image for Olsen Twins to Film Porn Movie on 18th Birthday
Hey guys, don't it make ya horny?

Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, best known collectively as the ape-faced baby on the long-running ABC sitcom "Full House" have announced plans to get nude and film a full length porno movie on their 18th birthday which is June 13 of this year. Misguided borderline pedophiles with incestuous fantasies everywhere have been counting down the days, hours, minutes and seconds until the two are "legal", despite the fact that even if both twins turned out to be wanton libidinous slamhounds, they would only be able to sexually service less than 1% of the sickos on the internet who have fantasized about them presumably since they were in diapers.

Earl Jackson, a truck driver from Nashville, Tennessee, summarized the feelings of the various men who have been misguidedly awaiting this event for so long, "...from the moment I saw that baby on T.G.I.F., I fantasized about one day driving it home, I was overjoyed when I found out there was two of ‘em for me to fantasize about. I've been able to get off a nut pretty good just thinkin' ‘bout them girls up ‘til now, but I've been so excited for them to turn 18 so my fantasies of statutory rape can bloom into fantasies of actual rape."

Much has been made on the internet about their impending transition from girlhood to womanhood which will make it legal, yet still theoretically impossible for Earl and millions of others like him to get into either of their pants (much less both), but that hasn't stopped the internet crowd from loudly proclaiming the upcoming event. A search of Google for "Olsen Twins Countdown" at last check yields over 8,000 hits for sites counting down the very seconds until they are women. One would expect the two wholesome sisters to shrug off the whole controversy as beneath them, but surprisingly, they have embraced it instead.

"It's not like we'd like really want to do it with any of these random guys or anything," Ashley proclaimed with a wink, "but we've spent the last nearly 18 years living off the jailbait fantasies of 30 year old perverts, and we figured we should really give something back to the other half of our fanbase, you know?"

"And, it's like our parents taught us," Mary Kate continued, "anything for a buck. And besides, it's not like we have any talent, so we have to do something to keep the money rolling in. Most of our little girl fans are going to desert us when we're in our 20s and it's not like we ever will or even should be taken seriously as actors, but we should be able to milk the perverts for cash until well into our 70's."

Mary Kate was of course referring to the fact that the Olsens' parents were more than willing to hand over their twin daughters to ABC at just a few weeks of age to be used for comic relief in a sitcom where Bob Saget, some idiot who did a Bullwinkle impression, and that guy who used to play Blackie on General Hospital were the main stars, just to make a few quick bucks. When the show ended of course, their parents actively encouraged the sisters to remain "marketable commodities", a decision which has left them bereft of their humanity, but on the plus side has ensured that the girls will be billionaires by the time they turn 21. Not only did the sheer heartless greed of their parents succeed far beyond anyone's expectations, it also turned the girls into masturbation fodder for millions of guys who couldn't wait until the babies they saw on TV grew their first pubic hairs (an event that "experts" on the topic...or as I prefer to call them, seriously messed up individuals, believe occurred some time in late 1997).

"We figured we'd capitalize on this new market that we will now be able to legally tap into," Ashley continued, "by starring in our very own porn film. Porn is a multi-billion dollar a year business, and we can produce, direct and star in the film, so we won't have to share the profits with anyone."

"Yeah," Mary Kate droned on, "it's like, we figure if all we have to do is get down and dirty with a few random sleaze-bags for a few hours, and likely not even have to pay the guys who do us, we can probably move 10 million units at $25-35 a pop, and we can make a sequel every couple months, by the time we're retirement age we'll be richer than Bill Gates. I mean, we've known since before we could speak that it's OK for us to sacrifice our childhoods for the kind of money we've already made, I figure why shouldn't we sacrifice our good girl image for several times that amount of money?"

"And of course," giggled Ashley, "getting to have sex with a bunch of random guys sounds like a lot of fun to me."

The two sisters, always shrewd when it comes to running their own business, have the script written, and are ready to direct, produce and star in their own film, which they will distribute through their own production company directly to retail outlets so that they can retain as much as 75% of the gross receipts . The all male cast and crew which will consist of 6 on screen and 10 off screen members, will be picked from random entrants at the newly created site www.drilltheolsens.com. By selecting the "talent" from a pool of random entrants, they can award as prizes the right to have sex with one or both of them, or to watch them having sex while participating in the filming, so as not to have to share profits with anyone involved.

When asked if they have any plans to do any lesbian scenes the girls stated that this film would not include anything of the kind. Their plan is to make a fairly tame, somewhat soft-core film this time, in order to whet the appetites of the perverts who will seek out the film in droves. Then each sequel will become a little more hard-core, gradually introducing, interracial, then oral, then anal, then double penetration, eventually leading to 8 men on the two girls in an all out DVDA scene, at which point they'll have a few dozen films to their credit, and will have done just about everything in terms of heterosexual porn.

Then there will be a movie where one does a lesbian scene, then a movie where the other does one, then one where they both have lesbian scenes, leading to the eventual release of an all girl film, and finally when the interest has died down to the point where most of the buyers would say "been there/done that" to another Olsen porn flick, they expect a wild increase in interest when they do an incestuous lesbian scene with each other...they project they will be well into their 30s before this happens. They of course hope then to top this by getting pregnant and starring in films while their tummies are enlarged, followed perhaps a few variously themed hermaphrodite films, maybe some S&M and bondage films, some bestiality, bukkake and a few other progressively disturbing fetishes. By the time they run out of fetishes, they figure they'll be able to star in old lady porn, a fetish all to itself. And when the twins are ready to die, they'll star in their one and only snuff film. In all, they project to leave nearly a trillion dollars to their heirs in about 60 to 70 years.

Perverts all over the internet had whacked themselves unconscious at the news and were as such unable to be reached for comment, but in the end, one must conclude that these girls are nothing if not dedicated to their fans, and to their money.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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