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Saturday, 10 September 2005

image for Bowing To FCC Pressure, Howard Stern Switches To "Foreign Affairs" Format
"Once Black, never back", Stern told "hot" National Security Advisor Condi Rice

(New York, New York) Following years of legal wrangling with the FCC, legendary New York radio personality Howard Stern has now "thrown in the towel" and converted his morning show into a "forum for discussion of pressing world issues."

Promising last week that he would have "only A-list government officials and world leaders" on his show, Mr. Stern's first show under the new format featured National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice.

Passing quickly from a discussion of Rice's testimony before the 9/11 comittee to an appraisal of Ms. Rice's legs as "much better than Tina Turner's", Stern invited Ms. Rice to "join a threesome with me and Robin." Stern suggested that the National Security Advisor should "lose the lacquered look and get some dreads or braids." He then confessed to a rather elaborate fantasy involving Rice and Quivers in which both referred to him as "Massa Howard."

Quivers was quick to point out that Stern had "already used that line on the Pointer Sisters."

Stern went on to tell Rice that he had a weapon of mass destruction in his pants, though he warned that Ms. Rice "might need a microscope to find it." Stern stressed, however, that he was a skillful lover who often "went the extra mile".

"I bet Colin Powell doesn't do that," Stern speculated.

The following day, Stern had on the legendary dissident Aung San Suu Kyi. Stern asked her if Myanmar "was a country, a city, or a line of clothing", and asked the Nobel Prize winner if she "did that thing with the basket." He also demanded that she "open (her) eyes", and had her read from a prepared script which had her repeat the line "hey, Joe, you got gum? Me love you longtime" on several occasions.

Stern praised Aung as a "good sport and a hot little minkie," and told viewers that one of the best things about being divorced was "being able to play up to hot Asian babes."

Stern was more restrained with former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright, asking only if she would be willing to "do" the diminutive, geeky comedian Gilbert Gottfried.

"We've all had moments of desperation in our lives, " Albright retorted, "but I'd never stoop that low."

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