Celebrity hearth-throb Tom Cruise has been a pin-up for thousands of fans the world over ever since his big Hollywood breaks in Top Gun and Risky Business, but time has caught up on him and he is literally falling apart.
Sources close to the star say that he is in such bad shape that his lawyers have been in contact with Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons to try and stitch the poor guy's face together.
"Huge chunks of flesh are falling off him", said the source, "he looks diseased like a freaky midget leper zombie. When he gets into a bath he comes out looking like porridge.".
Friends such as Brooke Shields have been quick to offer their support and encouragement.
"Our hopes and prayers are with Tom", said bushy-browed Brooke, "and Tom if you're listening: that'll teach ya for talking shit on pregnancy and women's issues".
Calendar sellers are seriously worried how Cruises fate may affect their trade.
"Tom Cruise calendar's are some of our biggest sellers - especially amongst gay dwarfs", said Fat Joe, a local salesman, "if he turns into an ugly bastard we'll be out of business for sure".
Back in the late 70's and early 80's the industry almost collapsed entirely after Robert Redford became a wrinkly old ginger prune and Burt Reynolds started messing with his eyebrows.