Written by Col Kurtz
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Monday, 31 March 2008

image for Hilton, Lohan, Spears Apologize, Retire

Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan, and Britney Spears today apologized to the American people for being celebrities for no apparent reason.

"We acknowledge that our celebrity has no basis in anything except hype generated by our handlers, and we're sincerely sorry for inflicting our talentless selves on the public for so long."

The trio then agreed to donate all of their wealth to charity and retire into oblivion where they will attempt to find jobs commensurate with their talents. McDonald's, Wendy's and Burger King are reportedly happy to provide them with applications.

Their future plans also reportedly include sharing a double wide trailer and a rusted-out 1974 Ford Torino.

Their join statement ended with this: "Don't try to find us, we really need to fade into the woodwork and try to be real people now."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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