Written by bartlebysnopes
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Topics: China, Axl Rose

Thursday, 27 March 2008

image for China Promises Democracy if Axl Rose Releases Album

Earlier this week, Dr. Pepper set forth a challenge to Axl Rose and the new crew of Guns 'n Roses: Release Chinese Democracy this year and everyone in the country gets a free Dr. Pepper (Slash and Buckethead not eligible to receive free Dr. Pepper).

China has followed suit and offered an even bigger prize: if the album comes out at all, the country will instantly declare itself a democracy, have an election, and give up control of Tibet.

Axl Rose has spent over $13 million and ten years on the album, which was last scheduled for release in March 2007, but once again, to no surprise, failed to hit the shelves.

But now, with the promise of democracy and a free soda, Rose has incentive to get out music that most certainly will be the worst album of his career.

A Chinese government official in a press conference reportedly stated that "China does not want to be the butt of a joke by Axl Rose. If the album called Chinese Democracy is released, then we must become a democracy. Otherwise we are just the victim of a joke of irony."

Political activists around the world, many of whom have campaigned for years for the freedom of Tibet, have pleaded with Rose to release the album "no matter how shitty it is."

"We know Axl sucks at writing songs," one activist said. "All the good songs were written by other members of the band. But Axl has a chance to do something good with something bad, and he should certainly take the opportunity. I bet the critics will even take pity and give his sorry album good reviews for all the good it will accomplish."

A publicist for Guns 'n Roses told reporters that "Axl Rose hates Dr. Pepper and doesn't give a rat's ass about China or its government, and fuck St. Louis, too. But, he will release the album some time this year, and it's the best thing that the band has ever recorded."

Axl Rose was unavailable for interview, skipping out on a press conference to take care of a problem with his new fake hair.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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