Written by Tiki Murphy
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Sunday, 23 March 2008

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Orlando needs your help. If you have any idea.. www.orlandoscareer.fkd

In entertainment news, actor Orlando Bloom's career is still lost. Search and Rescue teams are about to give up hope. It would seem that Mr. Bloom's career followed Wil Turner to Davey Jones' Locker.

"I swear, if I get one more authority type person with a warrant to search the premise, I am going to go mad," stated former Monkey Davey Jones. "I am not that Davey Jones and we are of no relation. But do you think, after searching all of my lockers and not finding that Florida Flower's career, they would leave me alone? No. Of course not. I am not a seaman, I am a Monkey. Bloody hell people, work with me here."

Authorities finally caught up with the 'real' Davey Jones and have questioned him already. He swears that the last time he saw Orlando's career, was right before his own last day of filming.

"Honestly matey, why would I want that boy's career? People have been talking about me long before that boy was ever born. I am legend, man. Don't you understand. If you ask me that boy's career needed me much more than I needed it."

The search is still on for Mr. Bloom's career. Sources close to the actor say that he is very much giving up hope.

Keira Knightly says, "Poor Orlando, his mother told him not to do this movie, but he insisted. He feels so guilty right now. His career was going so well. He feels like he sold it out for one more chance to kiss me. Well, sure we 'did it', but the price was too high for him. Fortunately for me, everyone confuses me with Natalie Portman at times, so my career is set. That and I played a 'reformed' stripper. Maybe that's what Orlie should do. Maybe he could find his career around a stripper pole."

Fans of Mr. Bloom are blaming it on the fact that he doesn't have a reputation. Some are saying that if the tabloids would just make stuff up, then his career will come back. They believe it left him due to lack of publicity and only one really good movie.

"Come on, they started nailing Shia LaBeouf for stupid shit and he was in the Transformers movie, and he is in the next Indiana Jones flick. Geez guys have a heart, photoshop him doing something wrong and get on with it. We need our Orlando," exclaims Sissy "Spank Me" Lewis.

Many experts in the subject of lost careers, believe that Orlando should just do some reality t.v. and hope for the best. However, there is debate on whether that is a 'hit or miss' way to go. Either way, authorities have said they will not be searching for much longer, but that they will keep this tragedy in mind. They will be keeping their eyes and ears open.

If you have found or have any information on Orlando's career, please contact your local authorities.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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