Written by Sophie Jayne
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Tuesday, 18 March 2008

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burn baby burn

In a unlucky chain of events, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry caught fire and burnt to the ground, taking with it 997.98 students and teachers. The only survivor was the finger of Susan Bones.

The finger has since given the Ministry of Magic a complete account of the happenings that occurred inside Hogwarts school on the awful night. The finger says that Dumbledore was performing a treat lap dance for the children with fire lit scarves when one of the wooden beams caught on fire. Unfortunately Snape, the potions master, had locked away every body's wand in the castle volt as a punishment and therefore nobody could defend themselves.

It is a well known fact that you can't dis-apparate on the Hogwarts grounds (as that annoying Hermione keeps telling us) and the door was blocked with fire so they were trapped. By the time the Ministry were alerted it was too late.

With the dead, lies the famous (and very hot) body of Harry Potter, he has escaped the clutches of the dark lord several times but it seems that a fire finally finished him off. He was found holding the hand of his ginger side kick Ron Weasley, both boys with big smiles on their faces. The only constellation is that these young wizards died happy.

There will be a mass funeral on Hogwarts ground next Tuesday and then a wake at the Three Broomsticks anybody that wishes to attend will be welcomed as we say our farewells.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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