Queen Mudder, Carina-Eta, Gail Farrelly, Jenny Bigtits, and other female Spoof writers, having grown tired of the current pissing contest between some of the males on the site, have agreed to referee a contest at the annual writer's picnic to see which Spoofer has the largest and which has the smallest penis.
The argument, mostly started between the Indian writers on the site and Dr. Edward Maxwell, begin with a story by the Dr. claiming that Indian men have the world's smallest penises. Who The Hell is Mohit immediately fired back by stating that men from Plymouth, England were much smaller. At that point, it was all out war. The fight escalated to include Duncan Whitehead (a gay, black male), MyHat2U (a small, gnomeish man who resembles Yoda), In Seine (who really isn't French), Fergus McCarthy (who has probably doubled the size of his organ due to thrice daily masturbation for over 30 years), and Jalapenoman (who claims to use the Goodyear Blimp as a Texas sized condom), among others.
Judges will score marks for flaccid length, erect length, width, staying power, "the angle of the dangle," and the "Oh My God!" factor. The ability to scare Tiki Murphy's dog will also be taken into consideration.
Writer Buck E. Filbert refused to enter the contest when he was told that he could not use his pictures of a naked Britney Spears to stimulate himself.
Former Spoof writer Gnarly Eric also declined to enter the contest for other reasons. "You see," he said from his home in Alaska, "in a cold climate like this, there's a big shrinkage problem."
Jesus Buddha also declined to participate. He based his decision on the fact that "everyone knows that Buddha was a big, big man, in more ways than one" and "I've already cast my bread on enough waters, if you know what I mean!"
Kick-Butt Moron was slightly upset when told that his Walther PPK (he thinks he's James Bond) was not an extension of his penis and could not count towards length, speed of ejection, or "sheer stopping power" in the contest.
Head judge Queen Mudder admitted that "Professor Leaky doesn't need to enter, as I know where he stands up already." Was she hinting at an inappropriate relationship with her former university professor?
Early betting favorites include King David (as the biblical King, whom he bases himself upon, had the ability to satisfy over 100 wives), Cal Jennings (mostly because he could keep his cavernous sister happy), and Jalapenoman (because of that condom and because Everything's bigger in Texas).