Philandering Chelsea and England star Ashley Cole is in danger of losing his battle to hang on to pop star wife Cheryl Tweedie after it was sensationally revealed that F1 star Lewis Hamilton believes it's his turn for a crack at winning her affections.
Hamilton spoke exclusively to TheSpoof.com from his F1 car during the Australian Grand Prix: "I'd definitely like to get into her knickers. I've told her as much, and if things go according to plan, by the end of the season she'll be bouncing up and down in pole position with me underneath her as F1 World Champion."
After romping home to victory in the first Grand Prix of the season, Hamilton added: "If Ashley Cole steps out of line again, she's mine. I narrowly missed out last year, when the papers caught him on the bone with that hairdresser bint. I thought Cheryl might let me have a go straight away, but it turned out she's not quite as loose as people would believe."
In the latest bizarre love/sports/pop triangle, it was revealed that Cheryl, 40, and Hamilton, 17, have held several 'trysts' in Monte Carlo, Paris and London.
Cheryl's pastey faced ginger band mate Nicola Roberts revealed: 'I know she's hooked up with Lewis a few times. and I think he might have had a little fondle, but they definitely haven't f***ed yet. Cheryl's not that kind of girl. She takes her wedding vows seriously, and she is really trying hard to forgive Ashley, but it's been difficult for her."
She added: "Lewis has got the whole world at his feet, and he could really catapult Cheryl into a different celebrity league if they can get it on. Ashley, on the other hand, failed to win the Premiership title last year, and then lost in a cup final to Tottenham. That's hardly the kind of form that Cheryl deserves. On top of that, add the fact that a lot of people think he's gay, and it would seem his days are indeed numbered."
Ashley Cole was unavailable for comment as the spoof went to press, but we managed to catch up with his team mate John Terry, who stated: "Be first. Be lucky son. Ten pahnd on the four dog, who wants some?"