Cancerous pint-sized Antipodean pop bint Kylie Minogue stunned fans yesterday as she announced dates for a new world tour to kick off this December, just in time to cynically fleece homosexuals and parents of pre-teen idiots everywhere.
However, for this tour, brave little Kylie's "music" will be taking a back seat to something a little different. Not content with inflicting her unique brand of plagiaristic disco smegma-pop on thousands of morons per night in enormous stadiums worldwide, the cancer-beating popstrel, who bravely battled cancer in a top private hospital with the best - and bravest - cancer treatments money can buy, will instead be visiting various locations across the globe and starting fights with every endangered and/or dangerous animal she can find.
At the moment, the valiant diva's management are keeping the details of the tour very close to their chests, but we have managed to get some second (possibly third or fourth) hand information from a pissed up NME "journalist", and the tour looks like it's going to be a thriller, to say the very least.
Amongst other spectacles, Kylie will be squaring up against a grizzly bear armed with nothing but her cunning and a Stanley knife, not to mention a fantastic steel cage match with three monitor lizards, and it's rumoured that the finale of the show will see the former 'Neighbours' star smashing up a heavily sedated Lion with a 12lb sledgehammer.
She'll also be joined on stage by fellow brave cancer survivor and talentless screeching harridan Sharon Osbourne, who'll be playing her daughter's latest ringtone whilst kicking the shit out of a Silverback Gorilla.