Forum contributor and would be spoof writer, Dr. Edward Maxwell, was rushed to the hospital earlier today. It seems that Dr. Maxwell passed out on his bathroom floor due to severe abdominal pains.
When his wife returned home from shopping, she couldn't find the doctor. "It's really rather unlike Dr. Maxwell not to be waiting at the door. He usually likes to go through the bags and receipts, criticizing my purchases. Anyway, as I was saying, the doctor wasn't there, I called for him a few times, but he didn't answer. So, I very quickly put away my purchases and ate the receipt. Then I went looking for him. Well, I finally found him in the upstairs bathroom. Passed out, right there on the floor. I'm telling you, this was highly unusual, seeing as how he has avoided, going number two, since he started writing on that spoof news place. I don't talk to him about that. He gets very agitated. So, anyway, after I had dinner, I called the emergency number and the ambulance came. They'll call me when he gets out."
I caught up with Dr. Harold Butze. Dr. Maxwell's personal physician. He had this to say, "Firstly, it's Dr. Harold Butze, M.D., Ph.D., and D.D.S. I couldn't decide what to major in. What? Oh yes, yes of course. Dr. Maxwell is doing well. We had to sedate him and force a few laxitives down his throat. He's a very stubborn man you know. Anyway, it appears that Dr. Maxwell was so put off by the 'turd' stories circulating at his online paper, that he had refused to deficate. Well, as any doctor can tell you, if you supress the urge to deficate, then you will become full of shit. Haha, get it? Full of shit? Ahem, yes well that is to say, you will become constipated. Which in turn can make you rather ill. As is the case with Dr. Maxwell."
On a side note, this writer noticed no one calls him Ed.
When trying to get an interview with Dr. Maxwell, his assistant released this statement, "Absolute drivel and filth." This was the only comment Dr. Maxwell made.
Fortunately his assistant was more talkative. He had this to say, "Dr. Maxwell was afraid that if it got out that he did indeed: shit, crap, take a dump or any other type of poo, that he would be the butt of many spoof stories. He is very like a politician in that manner. He is against the 'turd' therefore he shouldn't 'turd'."
The unfortunate assistant was ultimately fired in a timely fashion after this conversation.
Shortly after this interview, Dr. Maxwell put down a complete media block. Anyone who has spoken to any "shit" writer for The Spoof will be sued.
I received a call from Dr. Butze, asking if he could take back his statement. My reply, "Sorry Dr. Butze, it's already in the can."